The first thing you notice is a physical reaction. Your head is getting hot or you feel a rush to the chest. And then you are shouting. You don't really recall when you changed from speaking to shouting. This can go on for a few seconds or minutes; when it finishes you are not proud. You noticed how your oved ones faces changed but this didn't stop you. You feel regret, embarrassment or shame. You've done it again.
It's ok, I'll apologise next time I'll change.
Do you suffer from Anger? Do you find yourself going from 1 to 10 with your partner, children or family? Afterwards you are regretful and swear next time it will be different. Yet it never is?
Have you thought about where it comes from? Why you react the way you do and wonder whether other people have the same experience?
I have worked with lots of clients who suffer from anger and I've written this to hopefully offer some ways counselling and therapy can help. .
Often clients desire two things from counsellor for anger. These are:
Understand the source of their anger: Where it comes from. Often clients cannot understand why they are so angry, why react the way they do to seemingly unimportant events or scenarios.
And most importantly, there is an urgent need for tactics or methods to stop the anger. Often there is a demand from the partner to change. It may be that you are shouting at your children. You have been described in less than complimentary words by your partner and are desperate to change.
How do I know when I have an anger issue?
There is one important point, anger is a normal emotion. It is ok to get angry and is normal. So how do you know when you have an anger issue?
You find yourself feeling angry multiple times through the week
After an outburst, you feel regretful saying that's the last time
You find yourself drinking alcohol or turning to substances
Your partner or family have suggested you should seek help
I'll start this blog by looking at the source of anger. However later on I've also put together some suggestions for what you can do to manage your anger. Some things you can put into action from today.
Where anger comes from part 1
Sometimes we know no different. We saw anger growing up and were shown this was the way to do things. As we're got older we know different. We start to recognise that what happened when we were young was not right. Yet we fear the damage has been done. We fear that history will repeat itself and we will turn into our father or mother.
Parenting has evolved and changed.. In previous generations there was a different approach to parenting.
Where anger comes from part 2
The anger iceberg
Anger is what everyone sees, it's what your partner or kids see. They hear you shouting at them and see you appearing angry. They see your face contort or frown. However what they are potentially you are not seeing is what lies beneath the anger, and what feeling or emotion is driving the outburst
e.g. what lays beneath the iceberg.
They probably have no idea. So what is driving the eruption?
The answer is Emotion
An emotion you are or unaware of is likely to be causing the outburst.
This may be:
A sense of injustice or unfairness.
Disappointment
Sadness
Feeling ignored
Frustration
Hurt
It's important to think. "When did I first experience this emotion. There may be a strong correlation between something that happened when you were young and the here and now.
How to manage your anger. Some tools, tactics and tips for managing your anger
I love this quote and believe it can be applied to many areas of life. It's written by Viktor Frankl,
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
Take lots of deep breaths or box breathe. Box breathing is a great technique as it is visual.
Pay attention to the anger as soon as it starts. This is going to sound really weird but say hello. Give it a name and ask it, "What brings you back?
There are other things you can do....
Tell the person that you need at least five minutes before you respond
Change your environment.
Think abut the person who want to be? Imagine yourself in 50 years describing the type of person you have been through your life?.
In my view dealing with anger takes two approaches and can be done concurrently. It's important to understand where your anger comes from and a sense of why you act the way you do. The probability is it's not just your fault and there are sound emotional and logical explanations for why you react the way you do.
And this is where counselling or therapy can help for dealing with anger issues. Simply having a sounding board, somewhere to offload once a week without judgement can make a massive difference.
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