Why Men Find It Hard to Ask for Help (And Why That's Changing)

As a West Ham fan and a counsellor (no jokes please about West Ham fans needing counselling....) reading about Michail Antonio and his experiences with therapy definitely surprised but also really pleased me.

I often hear from my clients how it has taken months or even years before picking up the phone. Years of managing it, working around it, telling himself it wasn't that bad, others had it worse..

I hear some version of this story most weeks. A man in his thirties, forties, or fifties, successful by most measures, who has quietly been struggling with anxiety, anger, or a kind of low-grade exhaustion for years before he lets anyone know, including, often, himself. And often the partners or family members are the ones who suggest counselling or even contact me.

The Message We Grew Up With

Most of us didn't sit down and decide that asking for help was weak. It got built into us long before we had the words to argue with it. Sort yourself out. Don't make a fuss. Be the one others lean on, not the other way round. For a lot of men, especially those who've done well in their careers, self-reliance isn't just a trait, it's the whole operating system. It's what got you promoted, what makes you dependable, what your mates and your family count on.

The trouble is that operating system was never built to handle everything. It's brilliant for solving problems you can think your way through. It's much less good at the stuff that doesn't respond to logic grief, chronic stress, anger that flares faster than you can explain, or a mind that won't stop running scenarios at 2am.

What “Strength” Actually Costs You

I've sat with enough men to know what it costs to hold everything alone for too long. It rarely shows up as a dramatic breakdown. It's quieter than that. It looks like:

• Snapping at your partner or kids over something small, then feeling guilty for hours

• Working longer and longer hours because it's easier than sitting still with your own thoughts

• A short fuse that seems to come from nowhere, aimed at people who don't deserve it

• Drinking a bit more than you used to, just to switch off

• Feeling flat or numb about things that used to interest you

• Being physically present but mentally somewhere else, with your family, at your desk, everywhere

  
  

None of this makes you broken. It makes you someone who's been managing more than any one person should have to manage alone.

It's Not Weakness. It's Data

Here's a reframe I offer a lot of clients: struggling isn't a character flaw, it's information. If your body and mind are sending up flares, irritability, anxiety, exhaustion, a short temper that's not proof you're failing. It's your system telling you something needs attention, the same way pain tells you not to keep walking on a sprained ankle.

Elite athletes have coaches. Executives have mentors and advisors for the parts of the job they can't figure out solo. Nobody calls that weakness. it's just recognising that some things go better with outside input. Your mental and emotional life isn't any different. Getting support for it isn't an admission of failure. It's the same logic applied to a part of life men are rarely taught to invest in.

What Actually Changes When You Talk to Someone

Most men who come to see me aren't looking to “open up” for the sake of it. They want something practical, a way to think more clearly, react less, sleep better, feel less at war with themselves. What counselling actually gives you is space. An hour a week where you're not managing anyone else's feelings, not performing competence, not worrying about being judged. Just working out, with someone trained to help you do it, what's actually going on and what you want to do about it.

It's not about being told what's wrong with you. It's closer to having a sounding board that pushes back, asks good questions, and helps you see patterns you're too close to notice on your own.

Why Now

Something has genuinely shifted over the years I've been doing this work. More men are walking through the door earlier not at breaking point, but when they notice something isn't right and decide to deal with it before it gets worse. Some of that is culture catching up. Some of it is watching friends or colleagues go through it and seeing that nothing bad happened when they did. Whatever the reason, it's a good change. Waiting years shouldn't be the norm.

If any of this sounds familiar, you don't need to have a crisis to justify reaching out. I offer a free 20-minute introductory call so you can ask questions and get a feel for whether working together makes sense. I see clients face-to-face in Bromley, Forest Hill, and Peckham. Email markmahoneytherapy@gmail.com or call or text 07903 722341 to arrange a time.